Thank you both so much for replying. My current Kitty is the middle cat, he was fine when he was the new cat, but when I got the third it was the first time I had heard him growl in his life - so I suspect I didn't do it as skillfully as I could have. We had a bad six months (the new one pooing everywhere), and then things were fine from then on (after the younger cat was neutered). From then on they were a proper trio, all curled up together at every opportunity, but with occasional growling and power play/mounting.
I have to say that I am really enjoying the extra attention he has been giving me and the fact that we are closer. I had a baby last year, and then my elder cat needed a lot of care several times a day for six months before she died, so I have been a lot less available to him than I would like. It is like we have had the space to rediscover each other, if that doesn't sound too soppy. He has the perfect temperament for my daughter, he's never bitten or scratched a person, he's very friendly and just seems to know how to stay out of her way. I think he will be a great companion for her too as she gets older, and even though she's only 18 months she knows what his biscuits are and she will take them to him, it's really sweet.
I think the way we are might be best, thank you for giving me thinking space.
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